Just me griping mainly..

OMFG..I’m spent from the holidays. You people celebrate everything. Celebrate my asshole why don’t you. I’ve successfully murdered my nemesis the x-mas tree, and it’s time to move the fuck on. Was that lint there a minute ago..? I’ve got huge plans for 2013. All top secret of course, but I’ll be laying them out daily on the Twitter. I also plan to post from here more..I need a damn secretary. Seriously, I could complain some more but I’m making myself ill with my own bitching. Anyway, hope you all have a lovely 2013. Sort of. Mostly. Mainly. Meow fuck!

I’m lazy..

Fuck you, I am not lazy. I did my stretches this morning, and practiced making that wooshing sound that I teach ninjas to do in my ninja classes. It adds a nice dramatic effect when whipping around in the air. It sounds like this, *whooosh* *whooosh*. Did you feel like something quickly went past you? Yes, and you ask yourself, what in the fuck was that? It’s mysterious. Like me.

Scratch..pounce..etc etc..

So what if I hired someone to lick me? I don’t mean the way you’re thinking pervs. Well yes, actually I do, but not in a salacious manner. What’s wrong with you people? Why do your minds automatically go to the depraved? I mean cause I just feel like I’m wasting my time licking myself sometimes. I’ll check Craig’s List. Hopefully I can find someone who’s not just there to stalk and torment me.

I give myself a 10.0

I thought I’d lick my ass, and then my foot, and then my shoulder and then of course, oh wait more shoulder, and then 3/4 of my tail, and then, change positions, no don’t like that one, ok can I reach my back? Doesn’t matter I’m gonna try, nope didn’t work, reverse position, look up at nothing in particular for 7 seconds, no 10 seconds, reverse position again, lick back of leg, lick back of leg, lick back of leg, lick back of leg, bite back of leg, chew back of leg, look up, no there’s more, break dance spin, change positions, spread toes, what in the hell is that? Lick, lick, switch, spin, both legs up, both legs out, hold, hold, hold, and dismount.

My theory On Why Siegfried or Roy Was Mauled, I Have No Idea Which One It Was

Was it Siegfried or Roy who was mauled by one of their white tigers? I would say it was the one that looks like Joan Collins but then they both..nevermind. As cats, most everything we do is instinctual. From chasing birds, to repairing the hinge on our own cat door that some lazy fat asshole has completely ignored and now it barely opens and closes and one day I’ll be trapped and they’ll find my little stiff black & white body stuck in a goddamn cat door. Sometimes, we see our own reflections and think, Jesus Christ, that’s one hot piece of cat flesh. Other times we may not recognize ourselves and try to attack our own reflections. So my theory is that either Siegfried or Roy which ever one was mauled, was probably wearing a highly reflective costume, or perhaps just mirrors. I wouldn’t put it past one of them to just be wearing mirrors. And of course the tiger saw his own reflection, and when either Siegfried or Roy, was performing one of their lunging moves, cats don’t like lunging anyway, then the tiger went after his own reflection mauling either Siegfried or Roy instead. And that would be the best and most likely any theory you’ve ever heard on the matter.

You wonder why I’m like this..

Woke up from a horrendous night. Stomach is still feeling yucky from reading follower’s tweets hours ago. So I go to eat this morning and find that my food is completely different than what it has been for months. Why do you do this? Please die. What if I take all of your existing food and just switch it out completely for different food? What is this shit? I’m not kidding, die. Were you plastered again last night? Did you use my cat food to patch holes in the wall and feed me spackle again? How have I lived this long? I’ve gone ahead and relieved myself on that vintage Led Zeppelin album you were so excited about and won in that hard fought 2 day eBay battle where you almost lost your job and had a nervous breakdown and then finally cried when you were able to touch and caress the album with your own hands. Consider us even. For now. Meow fuck.

Hello world!

Insomnicat

Why am I up? I’m a fucking cat with insomnia. That’s the most pathetic thing I’ve heard since I began this post nearly 15 seconds ago. I’m in a foul mood. Well I’m always in a foul mood, but I mean extra foul with a bitch slap. Got up to get a drink of water and now the kitten is in my warm bed fast asleep, probably dreaming of my death. He’s becoming shifty and crafty. A real asshole. He’s becoming me. That’s what I get right? Well fuck you for being so agreeable. Anyway, I checked Twitter and read some of my follower’s tweets. That always makes me sleepy and often sick. I feel like they should be sued for writing such crap. Well I’m kicking that fuckball kitten outta my bed, tucking my head under my ass and going back to sleep. Toodles fuckers.